I was thinking about powerlessness today. Powerlessness was something I understood I never could understand early in my addiction, well at least I thought I couldn’t. The first time I ever went to jail or treatment due to my addiction I truly felt powerless. Other than that though I always though that I could control a situation to get what I wanted. I figured if I could manipulate the right person, break the right law, obsessed over something long enough, I could bend it to the force of my will to get what I wanted. Usually my drug of choice, whatever that was at the time. Now today with some clean time I still forget what powerless really means, and I cause myself a whole lot of trouble.
When I was new in recovery I would listen to all the cliches. Most of time they would annoy me. The one that really hit home was “just for today”. That was something foreign to me for the fact that in my head I never was living in the day. I was always looking to the past at some pain I was dwelling on, or to the future at something I thought I could manipulate. “Just for the day” is a great way to stay of pain medication or any drug because it relieves all the pressure to stay off of drugs for the rest of my life, but today it goes deeper than that. When I’m not living in today I am taking all the control from my higher power and giving it to me. I am not someone that handles control well. Control is the play thing of my addiction. The illusion of control is what kept me battling my pain medication addiction for so long. When I am in my head thinking about the past of thinking about the future in a sense that there is something I can think hard enough that I can control the situation, I am playing God. The is why the serenity prayer has become such a reminder I repeat to myself during hard times. “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change” = Everything in the past and future, plus another human being. “Courage the change the things I can” = Me and how I react to people places and things. “And the wisdom to know the difference”= this part is the heart of 90% of the troubles I have in life. See my ego is so big that sometimes I think that I have the power to change time and people. I think I’m God, and I will end up killing myself trying to play that part.
Remember, even some very rich, successful, famous and socially powerful people are powerless over pain medication addiction!
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Thanks for the post. Powerlessness is something hard to get over. We run around with such huge ego sometimes we feel we are god