This is a subject that always makes me smile when ever I’m in a meeting. You can usually tell the people new to recovery when they raise their hand and introduce themselves as “a addict and alcoholic”. When I was early in recovery, I came into the rooms with a whole laundry list of drug problems. Meth addiction, hydrocodone addiction, oxycontin addiction, cocaine addiction, marijuana addiction,alcoholism, the list goes on and on. My thinking was when I was using that the drug or drink was the problem. This lead me to hop around trying to find the right drug that would give me that high I needed , but one that I could control. Ecstasy. LSD, Special K they all lead back to my drug of choice which was pain killers and back to those horrible feelings. Little did I know at the time was that the drug was not the problem. I was. The drugs where just a symptom of a greater problem I had inside. It is called a disease, because it gives it a metaphor for me to understand, but really I just had this huge emptiness that no material thing on earth could fill. It wasn’t until I was off the drugs for awhile, and my mind could start coming out of this cloud of addiction I was in for so long, that I was able to recognize this.
Now with a little clean time I can see how addiction still effects my life. I have gone through all the “clean addictions” you can probably think of. Sex addiction, online game addiction, internet addiction, gambling addiction, you name it I have gone through it. Every time I have its because I have let my recovery take a back seat to life. This reminds me that no matter how much clean time I have , I still have the disease of addiction inside of me that is only arrested temperately. By putting positive things in like calling my sponsor, going to meetings, or just getting outside of myself by helping another person, this will keep my addiction at bay.
When I attend a meeting today,whether its a Alcoholic Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Gambling Anonymous, I refer to myself as a addict most of the time. When I attend a AA meeting , out of respect for the group, I refer to myself as a alcoholic. This is just not to confuse the issue. The same thing that leads me to over dosing on hydrocodone, will lead me to wrapping my truck around a tree drunk. I have a disease inside that tells me that a thousand is never enough. And with this disease one will always be too many. If I say that I am a alcoholic and a addict I am telling myself that drugs and alcohol is the problem, when sex, money, ego, and gambling can kill me just as fast. If you feel your a addict as well be very careful, are thinking will tell us we can handle one thing if we can’t handle another. Luckily today I know this is a lie.
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